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February 27, 2007
The first year in the life of Elias
Eli, Eli, Eli!!!
It seems impossible that a year ago yesterday I walked into the hosptial, ever so leisurely, still waiting for you to come, but knowing we would be hastening your arrival. You weren't really due until the 28th, but Mondays were good days for the doctor...and I have to admit I was pretty anxious to meet you.
Now, I'm still not quite 'over' the fact that I was hallucinating when you came out of me, but seeing you brought me back to reality faster than anything. You came out with such a fierceness (that I couldn't describe, except to say, "it's perfect" and "beautiful".... swirly colors, patterny=trippy), but I still remember how it felt. It was like someone had suddenly convinced you to come on out, and you did it with speed and gusto...and you haven't stopped.
You seem to learn everything very quickly, especially these days. Much of that I attribute to having an older brother. I never really understood the impact of a sibling until I had you, Eli. I see how much Gus has influenced you to crawl earlier, walk earlier... I also see how much Gus playing with you has taught you survival skills such as tearing Gus' hands off your face. You now even mimic Gus when he sings songs!
Did I mention that you're walking now? Not just a few steps, but pivoting, changing directions, full-on walking. Your body is finally catching up to your brain, as your early tumbles showed me that you were ready mentally to be speed-walking across the living room, but your legs hadn't caught up yet.
And your smile. Deep, heartfelt, full-on grins. The teeth you have now (verging on five), just add that "aww shucks" factor. Then come your kisses and hugs. You freely crawl up to people, and give them hugs. In fact, at Lenscrafters last weekend, you crawled up to a complete stranger, held your arms up in request to be picked up, and promptly put your head on her shoulder. If that's not a snugglebunny, I don't know what is.
I feel like I blinked and we're at a year. Here's to savoring every day a little more, and soaking in all your wonderful changes and discoveries.
At birth:
Love you!
Posted by janna at 10:38 PM | Comments (0)
February 26, 2007
happy birthday, elias
Tomorrow's your big day!
Posted by janna at 10:25 PM | Comments (3)
February 20, 2007
How many times can I start this and then stop?
I think this is my fourth try on writing this entry.
So many things have happened with the kids that I want to write about, but I am blocked by the fact that I haven't written about my Grandma. I feel like I need to write about the experience around her passing, then I have the ok to write again about the kids, but if I write about Grandma, and then write about the kids, I feel like I've just made the experience into one entry and moved on. So I say to myself: STOP. There is no right way to do this, Grandma would love being written about, regardless of when I write about Gustav's comment on my 'big butt' (oh yes he did).
It's ironic, I spent a lot of thinking time growing up planning where I might be when I find out someone dies, and what I would do when I found out. I found comfort in visualizing myself getting through it. I think it was my way of combating my newfound understanding of mortality. I haven't done that in a very long time (probably because I don't have the mental space to make such plans), and it was evident I didn't have a plan of when I would find out someone died at work.
I didn't know what to do with myself, really. I never would have thought she would have just died without some kind of sickness or prolonged journey where her family would sit vigil. I wanted to be with her. She was always there for us. It seemed cruel that she was alone, yet I find calmness in the events. She didn't deserve a painful, slow leaving. For that, I am thankful.
I was incredibly close to Grandma, I think particularly because I was Grandma's only daughter's daughter. I think my ability to sign, and my Grandma's unfortunate inability to sign (she was told not to learn when my Mom was in school), made me a connection between my Mom and Grandma. I spent many summers with Grandma, either with her or by her. Waves of memories have come back to me over the past week, stuff I had closed off. I will write about those someday. I'm not ready to write about that yet.
I like being back at work right now, for filling my mind with work and busy-ness makes it easier, but I haven't really gotten through the days without having a big heavy sigh, without my perma-smile fading, without me stopping to think about the reality of it all. I'm also feeling quite invigorated, wondering what I want my own legacy to be. What do I want people to remember about me? What do I want to do in this one short life of mine? My mind is racing, I'm in list-making mode, I'm in 'how can I be the best parent I can be?', how can I love my husband more, how can I pursue my interests.... how can I do everything that I want without it all being dilluted?
John and the boys have been of the utmost of comfort during this time. I mean, Gus was able to make me laugh the day Grandma died by telling me how big my butt was ('it's big, isn't it?' he then asked). There is no time to stop living, in grieving I am pressed to live more intensely, to savour my family, to cherish and connect with my friends, and to stop worrying about the dishes.
...thanks for reading... now back to our regularly scheduled gus & eli stories, sprinkled with a bit of me here and there.
Posted by janna at 09:19 PM | Comments (3)
February 09, 2007
I will miss you always.
Love you, Grandma.
Posted by janna at 12:32 AM | Comments (2)
February 06, 2007
There's, umm, pee all over my bathroom, but I'm cool with that.
The first week of Gus standing up to do his business was amazing...I was shocked by his 'accuracy' and counted my blessings that I wouldn't have to play any 'hit the cheerio' game with him.
Then the second week came. Not sure if it was a change in strategy on his part, or a misunderstood 'holding' pattern, but urine is everywhere. But I don't care...for now.
I will care when I have teenage boys.
(omg, I'm going to have teenage boys someday??!!)
Posted by janna at 10:22 PM | Comments (2)
February 05, 2007
"You're not different," he said.
I am a follower of the new philosopher named Gustav...or a dissenter?
Tonight in the car, on our ride home, I was looking through the classwork notebook he brought with him. When he demanded that he have the notebook, he said to me as an explanation for why I couldn't read it:
"You're not different," he said. "I'm different. I can read it."
Oh.
And then there was last night, as I snuggled with Gus during bedtime. I picked up a book that John has been reading to Gus, and in doing so, Gus said:
"You can't read that book.
Only a man can read that book.
A big man."
I have to admit, Gus has a very sweet way of letting me down easy.
Posted by janna at 11:27 PM | Comments (1)
February 04, 2007
Caught.
She waits.
She scores.
Caught.
How do we know Eli has excellent pincher skills? By the amount of food Zeppo is FED.
Posted by janna at 03:08 PM | Comments (1)
February 03, 2007
Running interference
In the spirit of Super Bowl Sunday, and my status as a fair-weather fan (go Bears!), I have a need for some kind of strategy....some defensive plan on how to make it through the day with a three-year-old with an insatiable appetite for activity and an eleven-month old taking 11 steps in a row, on the verge of running.
Seriously, I am in awe of the energy in our home. Elias is non-stop. Is there a stool? He's climbing it. A chair? He's on it. Stairs? Get out of my way. If we thought the days of putting Eli down for a minute and leaving the room were done, we didn't realize HOW done until now.
I've also got animal behavior on the brain. I started googling 'lions' because I wanted to look at the behavior of pack animals and how hierarchy is created and maintained. The more I watch Gus pounce on Eli, hug him, squeeze his cheeks and otherwise get all up in his space, the more I wonder about the biology of it all. It's like Gus can't help himself!
Posted by janna at 11:46 PM | Comments (1)