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February 20, 2007
How many times can I start this and then stop?
I think this is my fourth try on writing this entry.
So many things have happened with the kids that I want to write about, but I am blocked by the fact that I haven't written about my Grandma. I feel like I need to write about the experience around her passing, then I have the ok to write again about the kids, but if I write about Grandma, and then write about the kids, I feel like I've just made the experience into one entry and moved on. So I say to myself: STOP. There is no right way to do this, Grandma would love being written about, regardless of when I write about Gustav's comment on my 'big butt' (oh yes he did).
It's ironic, I spent a lot of thinking time growing up planning where I might be when I find out someone dies, and what I would do when I found out. I found comfort in visualizing myself getting through it. I think it was my way of combating my newfound understanding of mortality. I haven't done that in a very long time (probably because I don't have the mental space to make such plans), and it was evident I didn't have a plan of when I would find out someone died at work.
I didn't know what to do with myself, really. I never would have thought she would have just died without some kind of sickness or prolonged journey where her family would sit vigil. I wanted to be with her. She was always there for us. It seemed cruel that she was alone, yet I find calmness in the events. She didn't deserve a painful, slow leaving. For that, I am thankful.
I was incredibly close to Grandma, I think particularly because I was Grandma's only daughter's daughter. I think my ability to sign, and my Grandma's unfortunate inability to sign (she was told not to learn when my Mom was in school), made me a connection between my Mom and Grandma. I spent many summers with Grandma, either with her or by her. Waves of memories have come back to me over the past week, stuff I had closed off. I will write about those someday. I'm not ready to write about that yet.
I like being back at work right now, for filling my mind with work and busy-ness makes it easier, but I haven't really gotten through the days without having a big heavy sigh, without my perma-smile fading, without me stopping to think about the reality of it all. I'm also feeling quite invigorated, wondering what I want my own legacy to be. What do I want people to remember about me? What do I want to do in this one short life of mine? My mind is racing, I'm in list-making mode, I'm in 'how can I be the best parent I can be?', how can I love my husband more, how can I pursue my interests.... how can I do everything that I want without it all being dilluted?
John and the boys have been of the utmost of comfort during this time. I mean, Gus was able to make me laugh the day Grandma died by telling me how big my butt was ('it's big, isn't it?' he then asked). There is no time to stop living, in grieving I am pressed to live more intensely, to savour my family, to cherish and connect with my friends, and to stop worrying about the dishes.
...thanks for reading... now back to our regularly scheduled gus & eli stories, sprinkled with a bit of me here and there.
Posted by janna at February 20, 2007 09:19 PM
Comments
Well done, Janna. I know that Grandma loved all of her family, however, no one will deny that you were truly a bright spot in her life. She loved you and was so proud of everything you accomplished. I know that she is sitting next to Grandpa Jim somewhere in heaven with a lap full of cats and smiling down on all of us and thinking, "Job well done, Janna!" :)
Posted by: Aunt Deb at February 22, 2007 08:45 AM
I echo the comment, "Well done."
Posted by: Pat at February 22, 2007 11:22 AM
It's funny how kids will do that to you- remind you that there's no stopping; that life is for living. It's good that you have them around you right now Janna. I just hope that you also get some space and time to grieve a little. You should drop the boys off someday soon and go do something for yourself. Don't you think?
Posted by: Christin at February 22, 2007 12:46 PM